I had the most amazing opportunity when I was invited back to The Younique Foundation to share my story. The invitation to tell my story was literally something I prayed for after leaving the retreat last year. My goal is to continue on my healing journey, living life with Purpose, THRIVING and an Advocate for all Survivors.
I know I can fill in the small gaps by using my Voice and I hope to inspire others along the way. You are NOT alone 💜💜💜
Learning what your fears are. You don’t always know what you fear and fear is not always noticeable. When you picture a person whose fearful, you think of a person verbally or physically acting out. However, fear that’s deep down inside of us; buried for a long time is not always recognizable. Why? Because we have gotten really good at masking our pain and fears, even from ourselves. Who would of thought that, right? My suggestion comes from my own self awareness that I am challenging myself with right at this moment as I am typing this post. One way is paying attention to your emotions and anxiety. Those are two big triggers… Okay, maybe that’s two things to pay attention to.
When your emotions get the best of you, boy do they really get the best of you. Especially if you’re a woman, because we generally experience higher levels of emotional stimulation than men. Fear can come out in emotional outbursts, racing heartbeat, needing to escape, feeling detached, feeling powerless, attitude, feeling overwhelmed, anxiety or panic attacks. Start by truly Loving yourself and pay attention to your body for the signs of havoc in your life. For example, feeling the need to escape is easy to ignore because it may be part of your “everyday” life now. You’ve become so use to burying those feeling alive. If, however, the subject of fear is vague and there is no clear escape, then a common alternative response is to deny the fear, pretending that it does not exist. You know I’m going to say this out of love. This is not a way to live, it’s not healthy for your soul and not fare to yourself either. I know you will benefit from these 3 small tips.
Understanding your triggers. Did you know that fear is related to anger? Fear can also morph into anger when the fight-or-flight reaction goes down. I seriously did not know that and it all makes sense now. Being on this path of healing, I am learning a lot daily. It’s important for me to share my “light bulb” moments because it’s not every day that I get to speak and share with others who can relate. I believe sharing is caring and I do truly care! A few common triggers for myself is being understood, order, respect, invading my comfort zone, consistency and being in control. I also compiled a list of some other common triggers which I hope will help you identify some of your triggers.
List of common triggers:
Be Treated Fairly
Start seeing fear as an opportunity. Fear can be used as a tool to help us identify problems and solve them effectively. It’s a guidepost, a red flag that warns us when something needs attention. Once the discomfort of the initial wave of fear passes, examine it more closely to see what you can learn. Maybe you fear failure, change, or something else that’s more difficult to pin down. Reflect on your fears and notice how much they affect your life. No matter what it is that scares you, learn how to acknowledge, confront, and take ownership of your fear so that nothing can hold you back in life. Realize that fear can be good, and acknowledge the positive and protective role it has. Courage can’t come into play unless you have a fear to face down. By owning your feelings you’ve taken the first step toward gaining control over the situation.
The Ugly, The Bad, The Good; becoming Greater!
It’s been some time since I updated my blog and I sincerely apologize to anyone who visits. I have had some ups and downs since my last post. At the beginning of this journey, I was adamant to share my story and I still am. However, I have realized I need to pace myself because part of my PTSD can easily be triggered with remembering past events. I do know how important it is to “talk about it” so I’m not going to allow my PTSD to get in the way of my goal. I will continue to share my story, the struggles and everything I conquer!
I never realized that a person struggling with PTSD can also struggle with commitment issues. When you think of PTSD the main things that come to mind are; nightmares, anxiety, irritable, flashbacks, hard time sleeping to name a few. Right? I’m bringing this up for a reason, I’ll explain toward the end.
PTSD involves many symptoms that can and does interfere with relationships. I can say this to be 100% accurate because I live it daily. The main issues I have emotionally battled with myself are; emotional closeness, communication and responsible assertiveness. Whenever a conflict arises I respond to it from a sense of responsibility and my need for control. When this happens your significant other may feel controlled as a result. I am currently working on this because to be part of a relationship you need to focus on what you can do for each other. You know what this action does in return? You start to feel like your doing something productive and you feel joyful. It’s always… always the little things that can truly bring you joy. I recommend that you find ways to bring happiness and joy into your life. PTSD is going to keep sneaking back around. So when you set yourself up with goals of achieving things that make you happy. I know that it will help you on those dark dreaded days.
I am so extremely happy to announce I am getting married next month! Why am I sharing this news? Well it pertains to PTSD and my journey. This is where I explain my point about commitment issues. I have been engaged for almost 3 years. I am now able to truly understand why I was never in a “rush” to get married. It all boils down to “giving up control” If you have PTSD, you may not be aware of how your thoughts and beliefs have been affected by trauma. For instance, since the trauma you may feel a greater need to control your surroundings. That’s exactly what I have been doing with my relationship subconsciously. I am absolutely happy that I took this time to figure this out for myself. I wanted to be in a better head space and begin a path of healing. I can honestly say that this “healthy path” I am on has been worth everything that I have gone through. I feel like a better person and my heart is happy. When my heart is happy my emotions begin to match. Please watch my video “PTSD emotions not matching my brain” so you’ll understand the importance of being alert about your emotions.
Since my recent decision to share my story. I’ve also decided to seek counseling help through this journey. I’m not sure if when I really begin opening up and sharing all the details of the abuse, molestation and rape incidents. If I will start feeling depressed, anxious or triggering my PTSD. Therefore I am taking the necessary steps to take care of my mental and emotional health.
I went to my admissions appointment last week. I received a call from the gentlemen who did my admissions. He informed me that the counselor I was seeing before had a full schedule. Unfortunately, she is unable to take on anymore patient. He offered to match me with another counselor. I wanted to give up the idea of counseling. I felt anxious of the thought of having to get comfortable with a new counselor. I’ve been going back and forth in my head about this situation. I want what’s comfortable and easy. Finding a counselor that you’re comfortable with is 100% a daunting challenge.
Tonight I decided…
I was molested as a child and the emotional wounds have affected me into adulthood. I did not trust people and my surroundings. I also have issues with emotionally connecting at times. I’ve learned to shut down as a coping mechanism. I still struggle until this very day. The only difference is now I recognize some of the damage. For example, if I hear someone drop a fork (I know that sounds silly) in another room. I am instantly on high alert and asking “what is that noise?”. My tone can come across as aggressive and that’s due to being on high alert and/or scared. To some people it may come across as angry or annoyed. This is a PTSD trigger that I learned about myself.
I also get easily startled and it brought out this fire of anger inside me. Literally, I would get angry if someone came into the same room as me and I didn’t know they were entering. It’s like my mind was so concentrated on something else and just the surprise of anyone coming in made me very uneasy. Even if it was a person I knew. For those first two seconds I could feel my rage inside me manifesting. The rage was from the anxiety…