I had the most amazing opportunity when I was invited back to The Younique Foundation to share my story. The invitation to tell my story was literally something I prayed for after leaving the retreat last year. My goal is to continue on my healing journey, living life with Purpose, THRIVING and an Advocate for all Survivors.
I know I can fill in the small gaps by using my Voice and I hope to inspire others along the way. You are NOT alone 💜💜💜
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Talking about sexual molestation and rape is not easy. But I am striving to change the stigma by sharing my own story and the journey. #NoMoreShame
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The Ugly, The Bad, The Good. Becoming Stronger! My childhood years were filled with Ugly memories and my teen years I made Bad choices. Now I choose to live a Good life where I am Thriving and living life with Purpose.
In 2016 I started my personal blog www.UnlockedPain.com where I shared my story of trauma I experienced being sexually molested and raped as a child. I am a Survivor, A Voice, and an Advocate!
I choose to be transparent in sharing my story, my struggles and my journey of healing. I want others to know that they are NOT alone. I hope to be able to contribute in my own little way to fill in the gaps. Starting this podcast I truly believe I will be able to release all this negative energy. The guilt. The shame. The anger. The pain. The war inside my head.
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I am so happy to share some of my journey, where I’ve been and one of my Biggest achievement! I launched my Business RoseGoldManagement.com
Have you ever taken the time to ask yourself, “Who are you?”
Somewhere along this journey called Life, I forgot who I was! I’ve mentioned this before briefly in my other posts. But I wanted to get more into this because I am going through a new transition in my personal life. I know I can’t move forward without diving deep down inside and finding the new me. It’s like saving yourself from emotionally drowning. No one can go through this discovery phase or save you but YOU.
A lot of times we just want someone, anyone, everyone to do all the work for us because we are stuck. Don’t be ashamed of feeling that way. That stuck feeling is the big “F” word, FEAR. Facing our fears can be so frightening that we would rather drown. I am scared to know myself because I disconnected from myself so long ago. It’s like when you first meet a stranger. A little awkward, not sure you can trust them, sometimes you feel invisible or we belittle ourselves subconsciously. Strangers are like new countries with a fascinating history and knowledge.
What if we gave ourselves a chance? Yes, you might feel like a stranger to yourself but through no fault of yours. We disconnected because of the trauma to survive. Reconnecting with yourself will be a beautiful journey. You may discover you are your own BFF (best friend forever).
Today’s a new day and I can’t imagine giving up a power that I can’t explain. What if this internal power I feel is an abundance of love for the little girl that was neglected so long ago and the woman I am becoming. I can’t let that power go because it belongs to me. But what I can release are those thoughts that try to control me.
When you think you don’t have much to give to anyone because your emotionally drowning. Invite them over to your “country” and give them the history and free yourself.
I started writing this specific post about a year ago. It’s taken me this long to write, re-write, delete, cry, find the courage and finally publish it. Even if it’s baby steps I will continue to share every incident that happened to me. Why? Because how can I encourage others to speak up, come forward and be brave, If I can’t do it myself. I want to walk in my own journey, it’s very important to me!
Disclaimer: I recently in the last year or so reconnected with some family members (YAY! so happy and Blessed for that happening) and I struggled to share the “name” of my uncle. However, I have 5 uncles and I don’t want anyone accusing the wrong person. The uncle that did this was Robert Renteria!
(Me and my two sisters) We have only a handful of pictures of us as kids. This is one of them, blurry but still a photo I cherish.
It started with him paying a lot of attention to me, telling me I was his “girl”, giving me beer (yes beer!) in my bottle when I was an infant. I had a very close relationship with him and he was my “favorite” uncle. I wasn’t old enough to know what he was doing was grossly wrong/sexual abuse/molestation. I’ve struggled with the emotions that I genuinely loved my uncle and how I could love someone who did this to me.
The incident that happened to me when I was 17 years old has been one of the most difficult to open up about. I believe part of it was feeling ashamed and I never wanted to upset my grandmother. I remember moving out and getting my own apartment at the age of 17, going to school to finish my Senior year and having a part-time job. Things seems to be heading in the right direction and I was pretty proud of myself. After living in my first apartment for about a month, I heard a knock on my door. I run to the door thinking it’s a friend stopping by. I open the door and there stood my grandmother, who I had not seen for eight years. The last time I saw her I had been placed in foster care at the age of 10. I remember her trying to get custody of me and my two sisters. We would go and visit her on the weekends. I remember going to a few Court hearings and expressing that I wanted to live with my grandmother. I loved her very much and I remember her always trying to protect us from her own daughter (my biological mother). However, on a scheduled weekend visit no one could find my grandmother. It’s like she had vanished and we didn’t know what was going on with her. After months of not being able to track her down there was nothing we could do. So my sisters and I remained in foster care for the next 7 years.
Fast forward to the age of 17 and that knock on my door. There stood my grandmother! I was beyond happy to see her because I had missed her for so long. Standing next to her was my uncle who was my molester. I never wanted to disappoint my grandmother or upset her. So I did not say anything to her and I just pretended like everything was alright. I invited my grandma and uncle in to catch up. My grandmother explained they had nowhere to go and they were here to stay. This was very typical of the way my family lived. They would literally pack up at the drop of a dime and venture off to wherever with no real plan. I remember telling my grandma she could stay with me since I had an extra bedroom. At the age of 17, I didn’t know what else to do and I was also conflicted with wanting to be with my grandmother. I ignored the fact that I also invited my molester/uncle to stay. This same night my uncle came into my room and molested me again. It’s still difficult to think about and talk about what happened that night. For so many years I blamed myself. I felt like I had to grow up pretty fast when I chose to move out at the age of 17. So I held myself accountable and felt like I should of been mature enough to make adult decisions. I looked at myself as an adult and I repeatedly asked myself why didn’t I say no?
The truth is even though I had my own apartment. I was still a young kid trying to grow up into an adult world quickly. I have to remind myself of this because I can easily fall back into the bad habit of blaming myself. I will fight hard to never fall into old patterns again.
I have never publicly shared this and I have only told 1 person because of the shame I felt. There are incidents I remember and some my brain has blocked out due to the trauma. As hard as this may be to write or for YOU to read, please don’t feel sad. I want you to know that I am Surviving and Thriving!
I was emotionally broken for the past 3 months. It was so debilitating and I felt like I had no control or will power. I didn’t go anywhere and I wouldn’t step foot anywhere in public. I laid in my bed as minute after minute, hour after hour and day after day went by. I didn’t understand how I could be so unhappy (I just got married in October) one minute and completely knocked down the next minute. I was really beating myself up about this mentally. I would say things like “why are you unhappy, you just got married”, “Petra, you make no sense at all!”, “Stop it!”, “You have no reason not to be happy”, “You’re ruining a good thing”, “Here we go again” and the list can really go on and on. The truth is I still don’t really know what caused it. It hit me like a freight train and I did not see any signs coming. I share this because it’s a reality for people who struggle with depression, anxiety and/or PTSD. I’ve had my normal ups and downs throughout my life but nothing this severe. I believed in my head it was going to get better and I would snap out of it. I would have one good day or a few good hours and I thought to myself, “okay it’s over” but then the next day I was right back to feeling very low. Little by little I started posting in the support groups that I am a member of seeking advice and encouraging words. It definitely helped in those moments of feeling hopeless.
After some time, I just knew I needed more then just a few encouraging words and I needed more help than I realized. I found a counselor who was able to see me within a week of calling her. I began going to counseling on a weekly basis. Then I decided to try and push myself a little more. I began to do some research to try and find a support group to go to in person. I found a nonprofit organization and made an appointment. Unfortunately, the support group they have is currently closed for new members. However, the coordinator that I spoke to was very accommodating and invited me to come in weekly and she was willing to sit and talk to me one on one. They are not licensed counselors however, she is a Survivor herself and I felt like we would relate on a personal level. I don’t want to ramble on for to long but my point is, someone does care! It might be a complete stranger but maybe that person has great empathy or understands your pain. You won’t know if you don’t reach out for help, so PLEASE reach out for help! Don’t be ashamed to say I NEED SOMEONE!
From that ONE experience, I was informed by the lady I see for my one on one sessions, about of an upcoming event called No More Secrets. I got to meet Erin Merryn (the writer and activist who advocates to prevent child sexual abuse) from Erin’s Law. Then from there it was a trickle down effect. I found a dance class (a Twerking dance class LOL who doesn’t want to have some fun, right?) to put some “fun” back into my life. I also stepped foot into a local church this past Sunday and it felt SO good! I am going to be attending their Relationships service this coming Thursday. I even found another event happening next month called “Start By Believing Rally” for Sexual Assault Awareness month which I am attending. I am going to make it a goal of mine to stay committed to staying busy and doing things I love and that I am passionate about. I’ve come to realize it is extremely important for me to have something to look forward. And for me that is being part of my community and my Mission to empower others. I pray for anyone who is reading this and wish you ALL many Blessings!
P.S. – I apologize I have not updated my blog in some time. I can now get back into writing and hope to empower others through my honesty. As I said before and I continue to reiterate. I am STILL in my journey of healing and I may always be on this path. I’m okay with that because it only makes me Stronger and My VOICE will be Louder!
More helpful tips on taking control of your PTSD and/or Depression.
I just wanted to share the good news that, I am Officially Mrs. Clarke 💍👰 . I got married this past weekend and my journey has been something I never expected. I have noticed I am more confident, I set boundaries for my triggers for the first time ever and I have a sense of belonging. I will be posting a new update very soon. Thank you everyone who follows my blog, for your patience!